Where did all the jerks go?


The job actually seems to have gotten easier but I assume that it has something to do with all the tricks I have learned along the way.  I guess its safe to say that someone doing it as long as myself has forgotten more about delivering pizza than most people will ever know about delivering pizza.  This is probably not the most impressive claim to fame that a person could aspire to have but I believe it to be true.

       It seems the frequency of assholes I meet on my travels seems to have gone down a very large percentage and I don’t think people have gone nicer but I must have become better at dealing with them or blocking them out so effectively when they are being idiots that I don’t notice anymore.  I do consciously greet the customer according to the situation.  If you are delivering a pizza to certain places in a seedy part of town you have to have the “Don’t you dare fuck with me”  face ready which I describe as a combination of being very friendly and looking like you are ready to stab someone all at the same time.   This took years to perfect and yes I am aware that it sounds ridiculous but if you delivered pizza to some of the places I’ve been to you would realize that how you carry and present yourself can be what keeps you safe.  These are not situations where you try to win the politest man on the street award as to get the biggest tip but simply to have an incident free delivery.  I do remember in the first few years that I delivered that it was a very common occurence to have some dickhead mouthing off or trying to take his problems out on the pizza guy.  This doesn’t seem to happen much any more and besides the “no fuck” face I think sometimes its just the fact that I’m quite a bit older now that makes them bite their tongue.  I remember being a loudmouth young fellow and there was shit you would say to another loudmouth young fellow but probably wouldn’t say it to somebody ten years older.   Whatever the reason for this trend is I’m not complaining but now that I’ve talked about things getting better tomorrow at work I’ll probably have to deal with the biggest asshole that I’ve ever seen. 

 If you are delivering to places where safety or drunken idiots is no concern at all then your main concern is the big tip.   There are many little old ladies that order and it really pays to suck up to them.  You can do little things like pick up their flyers or newspaper if its on the walkway and give it to them.  They always have a cat.  Pet the cat.  More importantly if the cat tries to make a run for it, catch the cat.  Be over the top “Aw shucks” polite with the old girls.  They will love you so much they will tell you to hold on while they look for even more money to give you if you follow these easy steps.

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