Watch out for the pizza police


Many people ask me what the weirdest thing is that I’ve ever seen in a hundred years of delivering pizza and I think this one is the most memorable.  This was within the first year of my pizza career when things still surprised me.  Not much surprises me anymore but I think this still would if it happened now.

One night  I was working and received a call from a fellow who identified himself as the Pizza Police and began to describe his mission in great detail.  I listened to his ravings for about fifteen minutes, put him on hold because I had to and told the one other employee that night that she was going to talk to him or more accurately listen and nod during his mindless babble.  He obviously took his self appointed position as the pizza police very seriously and felt he had to rate the service of every pizza restaurant in the area so he could aid them with his infinite wisdom.  I took a quick delivery and when I got back she was still on the phone with him, obviously becoming very annoyed.  He had been explaining his mission as pizza police and talking about changes in the restaurant industry and how not many people were as qualified to be pizza police.  When questioned about what organization he actually worked for he would just start raving about some unrelated pizza problem.  She was convinced that he was most certainly hopped up on something or off his meds and was near delirious because much of what he said absolutely no sense.  At the end of his rant he did actually order pizza and I was going to get the pleasure of listening to him in person.  I was a little bit wary of delivering a pizza to a fellow who had just raved like a crazy person for 40 minutes before managing to get him off the phone.  At this point I had allready seen my fair share of drunken idiots but this one seemed different.  As I drove I convinced myself that no matter how odd this fellow was I would keep my cool and just get out of there without incident.  The apartment building he was at was just a normal place in a good part of town, nothing creepy that way.  It was a security building where you would normally have to be buzzed in but the outer door was open so I walked in and went down to his apartment.  When I knocked he said “Its open”.  At this point things really got weird.  This fellow sat in an apartment empty of any furniture except for the one flimsy chair that he sat on in the centre of the living room.  He had a small dim lamp beside the chair and a shrine of pizza magazines.  What I mean by a shrine here is that there were about 20 magazines with pizza in the title arranged in a perfect circle on the floor around him.  There were 4 or 5 competitor’s empty pizza boxes behind him.  There were no bodies of rival pizza drivers in the corner that I could see which was good.  This fellow was pretty big too which didn’t do much to relax me and he was acting weird.  I supposed he didn’t know or didn’t care that it was me that he given his pizza police spiel to on the phone but luckily this time he gave me the short version of his purpose in life.  When he was done talking he paid including a very large tip and gave the pizza back to me.  I informed him that he had just paid for this and should probably keep it.  He said that he had eaten too much pizza allready that day and that I should knock on the door of someone else on his floor and give it too them.  I didn’t like this idea and I told him that he would have to give it to them himself since it was late and I didn’t want to wake anyone up.  He persisted a little and I just placed on the floor beside the door inside his apartment and quickly left.  Afterwards I decided that I should have just taken it with me as to not have that awkward moment at the end, Rule #1  Keep interaction with crazy people to a mimimum whenever possible. 

           I drove like hell back to the shop, I’m not sure why, perhaps I thought that he was going to chase me with his chair and attack me with a pizza magazine.  I was confused as to what had just happened and to tell the truth I still am over 15 years later.   I even considered that there might have been a hidden camera and I would soon see a Candid Camera episode all about pizza deliveries gone wrong but I never did see one.  It might have been somebody really bored, really crazy or really desperate to conduct some strange social experiment.   When I got back to the shop the girl was on the phone with him again.   The weird part about this was that he wasn’t giving us our pizza police report but giving the exact same talk that he did before he ordered as if it never happened. 

             I actually did see the pizza police guy years later walking down the street, he looked pretty normal in the daylight and yes I’m sure it was him, some faces you never forget.  I was tempted to ask him what that was all about that night but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

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